Toleration, Questions & Insight to Where I Once Was

My mind is constantly pondering… does someone “tolerate” someone else in a relationship or “put up with” the other person ? Isn’t that the same thing? Do we not want to say “tolerate” because it sounds bad? Because then that word somehow strips away the actual feelings of love you may have for that person?

Why is everything so blissful and bright in the beginning and then so dark and mundane

afterwards… is it after the sexual intercourse goes from excitement and anticipation to regularity and routine ? Or is it after someone gets sick of someone else’s stuff? By stuff I am referring to everything we bring into a relationship : past wounds, insecurities, habits, and tactics.

Am I woman who can be conquered ? Am I keeping myself from being conquered ? Doesn’t a

man need to feel like he conquered “his woman”? I am so unsure of myself in so many areas

and I am scared to admit that to anyone other than my laptop, although I am sure it comes out in my actions…

When I did let my guard down and say, “ok sunshine, kiss my face, ok rain I will dance with

you”, when I threw caution to the wind and rode the ride with true optimism I only saw the sunshine fade away and watched the sun set in a far away land taking all of the Vitamin D I needed to survive. The rain turned into an ugly disastrous tornado ripping apart things I had built so carefully and the ride took me to familiar places of distraction and no fun.

Is this how all relationships work ? Do you meet the set sun, the tornado and the de-railed path and just start all over everyday with each other ? Does “love” keep you in that pattern because unconditional love means no matter what ?

OR do you tap into your “logical thinking” and decide to be an individual instead of an “us” so there is no pain that’s shared? Do you carry everything alone ? Have I decided in my thinking that I am unworthy of someone to bring the sun to me, for the sun to kiss me ? That no one will want to dance in the rain with me because I have no rhythm ? That no one in their right and present mind will ride the roller coaster of life with me because my anxiety and fear will scare them away? Am I desolate, deserted? Or made a conscious decision to be left tf alone ?

Do I like being alone ? Yes, because then I wont have the chance to hurt anyone else. This is a false narrative spoken from a traumatic or manipulative place, right ? Is it because I won't have to reveal how messed up I really am ? Someone made me feel like I wasn’t “worth it”, like I wouldn’t find “it”. It being LOVE but true unconditional, life lasting, through the trenches, together, LOVE. Do I perfect myself to remain marketable or do I just let myself go ? I “perfect” myself because I know I have failed in other areas and if I can at least succeed here in these tasks I will feel accomplished.

My soul is real, my heart is sincere, how will I know if I am doing things the right way?

The realization hit me so hard one night because I realized as a child I was scared to take up for me, and say no to anyone. I was fearful I would disappoint someone or I would be physically hurt. When I look at the three major relationships I have been in I never put my feelings first or I did and argued about it but allowed everything to stay the same. Isn’t a woman’s place to be submissive?

I never got the sincere love as a child which may be why I don’t know how to walk in “it” now. I don’t know how to accept it, cultivate it. Because I didn’t take up for myself as a child I forcefully and unnecessarily do it as an adult, making my partners see my perspective or put my feelings first, is that why the relationships failed? Am I blinded by my desire to be seen and heard that I don’t want to sit with the areas that need improvement?

How am I demanding recognition for every slight accomplishment and task when I cant do the hardest task of my inner self, and finding her. What actual recognition should be given ?