Infidelity & The Reflections

Yesterday I was driving down the backroads of TN. Still early enough in the day for good sunlight, I was watching my speedometer to be sure I wouldn’t get pulled over so close to my destination. After all, I made it this far down the highway without getting pulled over by the police. Which would prove to be very scary and annoying. Driving down the concrete uneven roads, passing several acres of green grass land, and tall trees with no branches on the bottom, I couldn’t help but to think about T. TM. The woman who did not ruin my relationship, and the woman who did not take him away from his family. But the woman who I was obsessed with during my pregnancy with my now 4 year old daughter. Ha! Is it funny in a humorous way or funny in a pathetic way that I still think about her? No judgement please, I am after all just a human (an excuse?). In my defense of course it makes sense that I would be thinking of her on my way into her, and my now baby father’s hometown. Hence, I would never frequent Jackson, TN as much as I have or will without him. Forty three minutes away from reuniting my children with their grandparents for the weekend, and she pops into my thoughts. Everything about her, the work out posts she used to make on Facebook. The way her weave used to always look too thin to me and her chin just a little too skinny. But how unmistakably beautiful she was. The light purple and black work out gear she had on. The way she was brave enough to show her tummy off for the public. The picture she posted in her multi colored summer dress standing next to a dresser that I swear was in my old bedroom. The provocative picture she posted on Facebook, and my thoughts of how T never would have wanted me to post that. But then my jealously that I was never bold enough to post that stuff on Facebook and get all the comments and likes she got. Thoughts with how I would lose all my baby weight as soon as I gave birth just to show him I was better than her. The antagonizing I endured throughout what was posed to be a magical experience. Maybe more myself antagonizing myself than her, but you get the point. As I reflected on all these things and relived the hurt and devastation from almost five years ago, I asked myself what do we do when the cheating happens ? As a previous serial cheater, this question puzzled me and brought on so many more thoughts, judgements and questions. For the victims of a cheater… are we weak if we accept it, forgive them and choose to move on into a healthier relationship with that same person? Are we victimizing ourselves into being cheated on once by them, and then again by ourselves by accepting less than we deserve? Or is it acceptable because we acknowledge that people make mistakes and providing them with unconditional love that says I will be here no matter what? For the victims, do we stay with them for leverage? For the opportunity to always have something to hold over their head when we are less than perfect and need ammunition? Do we bask lowkey in the right to remind ourselves and everyone else of the tragic shocking detailed story of how we found out, the affects it had on ourselves and the kids, and how it shifted the family dynamic? Or is that just where my mind goes? For the bold pompous, inconsiderate cheaters (myself included) Do we do what we can because we can? Absolutely, but do we realize the actual agony we are causing? Will we ever change? Will we always flirt and entertain the juiciness of attention and admiration? What is it about dancing on the lines of the forbidden is such a turn on to our souls? How do we block out our obligation in a relationship when we see something new and shiny? Are we just humans who made one

mistake and we are seriously sorry, and it will never happen again?