Chicago : R & The Southside

Chicago : R & The Southside

I am exhausted because me and him stayed up until the wee hours of the morning. Yet I am still so energized. So full. The energy he gave me. The energy he gave me combined with the

space to find myself was amazing. Finding myself outside of him, yet I found myself with him. I am so full of joy and gratitude towards God and him. I hope that’s not dangerous. I know God made him and blessed my life with him. He knew R would have the capacity to SHOW me love without ever having to say the words. God knew R would teach me about myself and life simply through his essence and being. He knew our hearts would connect and that’s so damn beautiful. But I am also grateful God did not allow me to lose my mind. I am grateful he blessed me with a super strong friend to help me through those dark moments. I am thankful for my friend Carmen who knows me through and knew just what to say. I am thankful for my therapist, for my children, for this journey. I learned about my hair with R. I actually had the time to think about my hair, it made me wonder what type of lifestyle am I currently living that I just slap products in my hair and keep going everyday. I wore my hair down every day with R and the smallest detail was so liberating. I am going to try a new face care routine because of R. He bought me socks. That symbolism in itself makes my heart pitter patter a little different. May my feet always glide and keep stride the way it did with him. May the smallest gesture of purchasing socks remind me to travel faithfully as I walk down this journey and to remember to walk not run, it’s a marathon. He stopped the world for me so I could catch my breathe, so I could catch the rotation of the solar system and catch the waves of the ocean. That’s what it feels like with him. Not that he is a savior but that second step you have to take to move forward. This man dealt with me in all of my ugliness in my insecurities in my blacked out drunkenness. He held me while I cried my heart out. I cant even remember the last time I was held, maybe a year ago … He opened his home to me in a way he didn’t have to at all. The luxury of his home was everything. The safety was not taken for granted. The adventurous notions were dope but the way we looked together in that big mirror was perhaps vain but even more sexy to me. I know I said it before once or twice but nahhhh R is THE ONE THE TWO & THE THREE!

But in reality I know not to play with his feelings and I don’t want to. I also know not to be selfish and only consider my feelings. I know to listen to him and to handle him with care. I know he is a logical thinker and not an emotional mover and I have some insight now as to why. I know he is so in tune with me that he is paying attention to the creases in my forehead I know he is listening for my laugh or how hard I sigh I know he is looking and watching to see if my chubby cheeks raise up into a smile and if I am showing all my teeth when they do. I know he is watching my expressions when I talk. That paying attention to me warms a part of my soul I knew was hurting but didn’t realize how bad. So I know I cannot be reckless with something so precious. I know to pay attention, take my time and care for myself, so I can trust myself to care for him. I know he is worth it and so much more. But he helped me see SO AM I. I am worth all of what he gave, I deserve the gentleness, the kindness, patience and understanding. I deserve someone who studies me this way for no other reason than to make me warm on my insides. I didn’t have to manipulate anything for this treatment either. Not that I was thinking that, my therapist mentioned something about do I try to earn peoples actions towards me or manipulate them. But when I realize that he treated me this way even when I was reckless with my behavior, had super frizzy hair and my face broke out, I see him. He STILL treated me with kindness AFTER allowing him to see me. He still held my hand after I told him about some of the trauma. He is the only human walking this earth ive verbalized even some of it to. He still showed up for the kid and that’s lovely. I do wonder if he sees me differently because of what I shared with him. I wonder what type of effect that had on him to receive that information.

I don’t want to react in ways that have become a habit because of the trauma.

I want to be able to respect peoples time and space and their reservation to make decisions I don’t agree with without feeling dismissed or like they don’t value me or that I am not important .

I do not want to relate everything to value- validating myself

I want to be able to say when I need a break in a healthy way

I want to develop healthy habits of self care for me

I want to know what I can say about my trauma to encourage other people

I want to know what to say about HOW I overcame it

I want to make better financial decisions

I want to be brave enough to find out more about me and who I am

& LOVE that woman! Its hard but I know she is worthy & not because a man told me so or because a man smiled upon me but because I know I hold value.

The safe space he gave me made me rejuvenated and inspired to keep going: the peace I see him walking in encourages me that there is peace for me too on the other side of this. He made me feel like I can walk into any room and know nobody could measure up to him & nobody could get anything off on me. he told me it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t feel guilty.

I could question how he feels about me and am I just another piece to him but his actions won't allow me to minimize his sincerity. Now is he this way with other women? Does he entertain them? Will there be someone else around when I am not there ? Will we ever have the trust we need long distance? Does he know how he breaks my trust every time he does this silence thing? Does he see how it’s a disregard to our future. Is he like this because he knows there is NO future for us? I want to feel ok with it, he said he was there and I just lived a weeks worth of

him being “there” and him caring … right ? I know he is doing what is best for both of us right now, which is proper space and giving me enough space to process and heal and grow. I know he is choosing his peace because I am not always peaceful. But do I trust him to guide this thing? do I trust that this is in fact the right decisions. Will this only satisfy him and end well for him ?

I do know there is no pressure, what is meant to be will be. God works in mysterious ways too. I believe I manifested this man and his character right into my life. I laugh a little at the first picture I seen of him.

It could NEVER do justice to the man that I’ve come to love. Is this an answered prayer or another season with a lesson attached to a heartbreak?