Babies Daddys

Lets talk about the people we have children with and the complexity of these relationships. I have two fathers to two beautiful children. Both men are very different and clearly show the levels of where I was at in my life at times of conception. One, is incarcerated for many more years to come, and I pray he gets that worked out for his freedom. At the time that I met him, I didn’t know a thing about life or people or relationships and was in a sense trying to get chosen. We both were reckless, young and had been victims of our environments. We still somehow managed to come together and create a life. In a different life, or perhaps at a different point in our lives would’ve been a phenomenal couple and outstanding parents, a very cohesive team. But, life and circumstances brought us together in our youth. We were complete strangers looking to sooth ourselves in people, substances, seeking validation, love and loyalty. Once I realized I was pregnant abortion was an option. But, I couldn’t do it. Something about the life inside of me wouldn’t let me bring death. It wasn’t until some time after my son was born that I even built a relationship with his father. Throughout the years and still life and its circumstances we have never given our son the luxury of being parented by both of us. I now realize how important it is to educate both my babies on their bodies and the magic it can create through physical acts. How important it is to know yourself and to know someone else BEFORE offering up any physical intimacy. I know my son and his father were meant to be in my life, and my son was literally a gift that was sent to me right on time, and that has continued giving over the span of his life. His dimples, his big brown eyes, his laugh, his wittiness, his courage, his ability to consume information, his life, everything about him, is perfect. Over the years I have realized that he needs to have a relationship with his father, and I, now, more than ever am going to work on facilitating this. His father is wise beyond his years, he is strategic and intelligent in all matters. He is powerful and has much wisdom and principles to pass along to his son. Although he was not reliable in the ways I needed him to be in our youth, I believe my son has much to learn from him. I have always and will always feel a strong sense of loyalty to him. Now, I say that with the wisdom to know loyalty to him never needs to mean at the sacrifice of myself or my well being. Loyalty meaning, I wish no harm on him or his life, forgiveness for not choosing me and our son over the money and fame, and the things that have left him now. Loyalty meaning I accept his past flaws and mistakes but will never stand for the tarnishing of his name. Loyalty meaning he gave me life, and I will always be a part of his, only to my own capacity.

Now, my daughter’s father holds so much more. He holds a true space of love and adoration, respect and loyalty in my heart. In all of the moments I am critical of his parenting or his decisions, even in my frustrations of co parenting, I have never known this type of relationship. I would never allow disrespect from anyone other than me grace his doorstep. I have disrespected him out of ignorance, deceit and feelings, but hope not to in the future. He is a reliable father, he is present, he is wise and truly puts the needs and wants of his family before his own…now. I was much more mature but not as mature as I needed to be when I met him. When I created life with him I was fully aware that was what was taking place. My intentions were to spend my life with him, to grow old together, to be joined and never separated, no matter what was coming next. I had settled into the space of his woman, and had long since given him the title of step father to my son. So when it was over it took years to redefine my role in his life. It took years to accept what would never be. So many times, in the past, and present I look at my babies around us, when we occupy the same spaces and wonder at how easy life could have been. I see his strengths in my weaknesses and vice versa. I see both of our personalities shining through those babies and I am stunned by influence. I no longer wish for that life because I know what is meant to be will be given from God. But for years I kept giving him access to every part of me. I kept giving my hope to him, I kept giving him the broken pieces expecting him to fix it. I kept giving him power and influence over my feelings. Only to be let down so many times, not because he is a horrible man or because he meant me anything related to harm, but because I wasn’t the woman I needed to be or could have been. I wanted so badly to have someone to share my life with, my children with, that I kept trying to make him fill this role of somebody. So that is why I can have peace with where we are now. Even for some time I felt like neither of us could move on because it meant closing the door on us. Even when I did move on I couldn’t see my life without him or my children, us, together, because I didn’t have the roles defined and reassigned to match the growth. I knew in my heart I was his forever, my children are his forever. So I couldn’t move on. And then I wanted more. I didn’t want to keep trying with someone who wouldn’t try for himself. Who didn’t feel the things I felt, about life, about people, about God. Where the bumpy couldn’t be made smooth. I got tired of fighting against the grain, so I walked away. I took back my hope, and my forever, and left behind what didn’t serve me. I allowed my eyesight to view him as the father of my children, and sometimes just the father of my daughter. I accepted the bitter truth that I was using him for comfort when I needed it, and that our ending was heartbreaking to both of us. I started to see the damage it was causing to our children to keep running back just for comfort and decided enough was enough. I stopped taking just because I could. Now, I can appreciate him the way a baby mother should. We stopped arguing about us and now only disagree about our children. I learned to take time for myself and trust that he’s got it. As he should. I stopped setting my expectations for him to save me, or to save us, and accepted that his role was to protect and nurture my children, to always look out for me, but no longer my provider or protector. I see his family as my own, but have learned to respect boundaries and keep some thoughts and opinions to myself.

I define both of these men as my family now. They will forever be a part of my life and my children’s’ lives. I love them both, and can appreciate the value they hold in my life. I pray to give them their flowers while they are both still here. I accept that neither of them were meant to be my life partner and hold no resentment or bitterness for them on my hard days as a single mother. I am thankful I met both of them in the times that I did.